Shirley R Patterson, MA, LLPC, CHt
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future” ~ Fulton Oursler
As more and more clients come to me seeking help on their journey through lifes ups and downs, regrets are often one element that tend to show up more often than not. The word regret originates from the Middle English word regreet, meaning “to lament” or “to feel sorry” which is from the Old English word graetan, meaning “to weep”. We are always second guessing ourselves. However, when we second guess ourselves, “the event” has already taken place and we already know the outcome of our decision. We must remember that our decision was made based on the information we had at the time. By going over and over past decisions in our minds, we are able to add in any new information about the event, which then creates regrets which affect us in the here and now.
There is always some issue, event, decision we can look back on and wish it had a different outcome. “If only I had been home…”, “What if I would have made that move ….., “I should have had him sign that…”, “Why didn’t I ……”. Regrets are about perceived missed opportunities. Perceived meaning “to attain awareness or understanding of”. These missed opportunities were not in our awareness at the time of our decision making or action taking. Just because a missed opportunity comes into our awareness does not mean that opportunity would play out as we envisioned. We tend to get caught up in what our imaginations present to us and take those scenarios as fact.
Regret can describe not only the dislike for an action that has been committed, but also, importantly, regret of inaction. Many people find themselves wishing that they had done something in a past situation. Clients bring to the session family situations which have caused regret, mostly from lost family time, which can never be recovered.
There are many ways to cope with and overcome your regrets.
Recognize you are powerless over the past. Whatever “it” is can not be redone. You can not get back the past.
Recognize what you have learned or gained. When you find yourself thinking of the regret, turn your thoughts to the things you have learned and the opportunities that are now yours – even if they are not what you would have preferred. There is always a lesson even in pain and sadness. Look for the lesson and focus on it instead of what might have been.
Live in the moment. Focus on where you are now, in the present. Take action that will get you to where you want to be now.
Acknowledge your current circumstances. Be honest with yourself. Look at the situation by the facts. Remove emotions from the situation. This will allow you to have a better understanding of the circumstance.
Be willing to forgive. Not only others, but yourself as well. It is through forgiveness we find healing.
Release what you can not change. Let go of the negative energy, be it thoughts or feelings. Do not allow these to settle into you body.
“Regrets can fester inside of us, causing a lifetime of misunderstanding and judgement, and keeping us in a constant state of stress and grief”. (Van Praagh) States of stress and grief can take a toll on us, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes it is hard for an individual to acknowledge the above tips on there own. If you or someone you know is having difficulties in resolving regrets issues, and are having difficulties implementing the above tips, please seek out a mental health professional who can assist you to sort through your feelings.
The Patterson Center for Counseling & Integrative Wellness is able to assist you with any mental health issues which you are currently experiencing. Contact us at 248-884-7288 or by email info@thepattersoncenter.com
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