Shirley R Patterson, M.A., LLPC, CHt
“How long will I be grieving?” asked the teary eyed widow. What is the correct answer? That is what many who are grieving first ask. It would be nice if I could hand out a book to each and every person in grief and say “Read this book and it will outline everything”. Unfortunately, that is not the case. There is no guidebook, no magic pill that will tell you “for sure”. Each and every one of us is a unique, complex person, as was the person who died. For each person who has died, the experience will be different for each person their life has touched.
An adult child will come to the Grief Support Group and state, “My sister is not crying over the death of mom (or dad). What is wrong with her?” There are so many elements that can play a part in this, it is impossible to give an accurate answer. One scenario could be that this sister was taught not to cry, to be a big girl, big girls don’t cry. So when the time comes where they need to cry, the subconscious mind kicks in and says “I was taught no crying, so no crying it is”. You can ask her, she may say, “I want to cry but for some reason I just cannot!” Another scenario may be that your sister was not as close to mom (or dad) as you were. The relationship they had was not as happy or good as yours was. In one group, a member let us know a similar situation occurred in her family. She felt she was very close to her sister and knew everything about her. When their dad died, the sister not only did not cry, but stated she was glad that he was finally out of her life. Yes he had been a drinker, but he was a happy drunk. The sister who came to group was appalled! How could you be glad that dad is dead? Well it turns out that as the oldest, dad turned his affections to her and had molested her for many years. She had learned to hide those dark moments and did not let the other siblings see her pain. It was only in his death that she was able to express herself. The sister who came to group was not only grieving for the dad she knew, but also now about the dad she didn’t know. So please remember, each of us has a unique relationship with those around us. We can generalize to a certain extent, but please honor the unique place you are in.
There are still some who follow the belief that mourning is a year long process and the wearing of black is to remind them of this mourning period. For some it may be outdated, however, for others it may be their belief or just a coping skill. Whichever it may be, allow that person to experience their grief, encourage them to express their grief in the manner they are comfortable with. Providing a safe and comfortable environment for them to grieve in is the most important thing you can do for them.
We have to remember the world out there is changing. Years ago we lived in like communities where everyone was of the same background or same religion. We knew what to expect and what to do. We now live in a multicultural environment where people from all walks of life are blended together. We may not be knowledgeable about their religion, customs, or world view. So tread cautiously when assuming they are grieving or not grieving the way they are supposed to.
You will most likely grieve deeply for your dead loved one at first, and then it will evolve into a sadness that will most likely stay with you whenever you think of that person. As the years pass, the degree of sadness will change. If the year would have held a significant meaning, you may feel a higher degree of sadness. Grief indeed is like a rollercoaster. You will have your ups and downs. During the down times, seek out those who give you comfort. Time does heal. No one said there will not be a scar left behind, but the wound will heal.
www.thepattersoncenter.com July 2010
Tags: Death, Died, Loss, Mourning, The Patterson Center
